The Gathering Isn’t Always Warm
The holiday season is painted as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. But for many, those gatherings around the table don’t feel comforting at all. Instead, they’re pressure cookers, places where old wounds resurface, unspoken tensions crackle in the air, and the expectation to be festive feels like an unbearable mask.
We’ve all been there at some point. The feeling of dread of going to a family dinner for the holidays or the in-laws for a holiday gathering. It’s the weight of the expectation to behave, be well-mannered, and watch your mouth.
Why Family Can Be So Triggering
Family is complicated. The same people who raised you, loved you, or grew up beside you are often tied to your deepest scars. Childhood conflicts, unresolved arguments, or years of feeling unseen have a way of rising back to the surface when everyone is crammed into the same room. Add in alcohol, differing political opinions, and the stress of holiday “perfection,” and the recipe is complete: an anxiety-inducing holiday dinner.
The Anxiety Beneath the Surface
For those with anxiety disorders, depression, or PTSD, these events can feel unbearable. The forced closeness may trigger panic, dread, or a sense of losing control. Even without a diagnosis, many people experience “anticipatory anxiety,” worrying for days or weeks before the gathering about what might be said, who might start a fight, or how they’ll keep themselves composed.
Some people even come up with escape plans. The anxiety often becomes too much, so why not create a safe escape plan, right?
When Old Wounds Reopen
Holiday gatherings have a way of pulling people back into old family roles: the “black sheep,” the “responsible one,” the “troublemaker,” the “quiet one.” Even if you’ve grown beyond those roles in your adult life, stepping back into the family home can feel like stepping back into the past. A single offhand comment can reopen years of hurt.
Breaking the Pressure Cycle
The first step to protecting your mental health is to set boundaries. Boundaries can be physical, like leaving early or skipping certain events, or emotional, such as refusing to engage in old arguments. It’s also important to find allies in the room: a sibling, partner, or cousin who understands your stress and can help ground you.
Equally crucial is permitting yourself to step away. A walk outside, a few minutes in the bathroom to breathe, or even deciding not to attend at all, are all valid acts of self-care.
Rethinking Holiday Traditions
Maybe the most radical thought is this: you don’t owe anyone your peace of mind. Family and tradition can be beautiful, but they aren’t worth sacrificing your mental health. It’s okay to create new traditions, celebrate with chosen family, or redefine what the holidays mean for you.
Your mental health is just as important as your happiness. Don’t let anyone take advantage of that, no matter who they are or how they are related to you.
Final Thought
The holidays will always carry a certain weight nostalgia, expectation, and tradition. But you don’t have to carry all of it on your back. Recognizing the pressure, naming the anxiety, and choosing how you participate is powerful. Sometimes the bravest gift you can give yourself is the freedom to step out of the pressure cooker and into peace.
