There was a time, not long ago, when American boys dreamed of becoming astronauts, firefighters, or morally upright accountants. Today? They aspire to become wandering exotic animal hoarders with emotionally unstable hairstyles and gym badges.
The culprit? A Japanese brainwashing tool called Pokémon—or as I like to call it, “Satan’s Safari.”
Let’s be clear: Pokémon is not a game.
It is a digital blood cult, disguised as a children’s program, where participants (read: CHILDREN) are encouraged to:
- Capture wild monsters
- Store them in tiny spherical prisons
- Force them to fight for glory, clout, and synthetic currency
- Wander unsupervised in fields with strangers who wear capes
Does that sound like childhood fun to you, or a grooming program for future exotics dealers with ketamine habits?
The Names Alone Are Alarming
Let’s examine a few so-called “monsters”:
- Pickleshoe – A yellow rodent demon that summons thunder using the power of Norse rune magick and positive reinforcement. Frequently worshipped by fans of bands like My Chemical Romance, Twenty Øne Piløts, and That Sad Skeleton One.
- Blazestoise – A flame-spewing turtle that clearly violates several EPA guidelines. Said to represent “rebirth,” though in my notes it’s simply labeled “Molotov Frog.”
- Snarlock – A six-eyed sleep demon that consumes the energy of children while promoting a sedentary lifestyle. This one is particularly popular with the youth who wear pajama pants in public and refuse to mow their front yards.
- Lucifloon – A balloon ghost that literally steals children in the game’s own lore. I am not making this up. This is less “fun” and more “cold open of a Dateline episode.”
And Don’t Even Get Me Started on the “Professors.”
Professor Oak.
Professor Birch.
Professor “Oh, it’s just a harmless old man giving you a free monster and asking for your phone number.”
What exactly are these men professors of?
Unsupervised minors in hoodies wandering into volcanic caves?
The Real Agenda: Tiger Kingification of America’s Boys
Let me paint you a picture:
It starts with Pickleshoe, and ends with meth, fringe leather, and tigers in your backyard.
Pokémon glorifies:
- Exotic animal control
- Fame via forced performance
- Polyamorous traveling groups with suspicious energy
Is that a game, or the origin story of Tiger King Exotic?
Do we want our boys growing up to be responsible citizens, or bedazzled mullet enthusiasts with a vendetta against Carole Baskin?
Foote’s Solution?
- Immediate banning of all Pokémon-related media from school premises.
- National day of repentance and retraining using VHS tapes of Davey and Goliath.
- Replacement of Pokémon cards with flashcards about presidents who wore three-piece suits to bed.
Final Warning:
If your child has ever said the words “I choose you!” unironically,
If you’ve seen them pretend to throw a ball and shout at a squirrel,
If their lunchbox features a creature with glowing cheeks and the eyes of Beelzebub,
It’s already too late.
They don’t need a tutor.
They need a paladin.
And possibly a backyard exorcism.
Faithfully alarmed,
Dr. William S. Foote
Syndicated Columnist, author of Foote Notes and founder of Morality Men of America – *Buy My new Book on Amazon – Foote Note (25% off with Promo Code)1
Author of “My Son Was a Trainer, Now He’s on Twitch: A Father’s Lament”
