For years now, it seemed the per capita rate of homosexuality and conversion had fallen to record low numbers in the United States. The number of straight men being indoctrinated and lured away from their nuclear families seemed minimal, lulling the moral majority to believe the looming storm-shadow of homosexuality had finally cleared and the rainbow was once again a promise of religious bearing.
But alas, gays move in mysterious ways and it has come to our attention from sources that the Gay Agenda, its acolytes and leaders are secretly stronger than ever before. They have gone high-tech and digital.
One of the primary new-age weapons of homosexuality lays dormant, an innocuous app that is named GRINDR. Our secret agents in the gay community report that GRINDR stands for Gays Really Indoctrinate New Disciple Republicans.
By now we have all heard it, they are all saying it, that gays are using political rallies and conventions to target moral leaders such as Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. While clearly the attacks on his character are fake news and spin, it reveals the gay sleight of hand and their magical plans to use lusty, late-night texts after our leaders are weary and slightly inebriated from an evening of socializing and mingling.
How Can I Stay Safe From Grindr?
Gays are notoriously sneaky and well-organized. Beneath the glamour of their high-end lifestyle, perfectly shined veneers and intense skincare routines that reverse aging, it is hard to not trust their Hollywood-movie aura as they run the snake-oil routine on you.
All it takes is ten second for them to get into your phone and run their digital seductions upon you. Look at this following graphic to see if you would be able to detect a gay Grinder scammer at a PAC rally.
In the image above, we see an innocent Republican man. Let’s call him Mike. He is dressed in a power suit of proper color and a blue-blooded tie. Now, in his strong hands he holds a phone as he looks down on what he suspects to be an innocent intern or college Republican, let’s call him Aaron with a soft A. While his jacket is perhaps a bit colorful and his white pants are being before after Labor Day, those signs could all be easily overlooked. And the fact that he is accompanied by a shapely woman in a blue dress, smiling as he shows “Mike” his cool new app to “meet friends and hang out tonight”, sends down all red flags.
But little did Senator Mike here know that the woman in the blue dress was actually named Timmy and is working in tandem with Aaron to trick Senator Mike into downloading Grindr. And that’s all it takes, before you know it, the gateway drug to lurid late night ravings, consumptions of high end spirits and freely shared opiates await. The end result: exhaustion, scandal and headlines.
Prognosis: Digital Homosexuality
Digital Homosexuality is on the rise. In the Google Play Store or Apple Apps, it is far too easy to try to type in “Prayer App” or “Family Chore App” and accidentally type the world Grindr instead. While RFK’s department of health doesn’t have exact numbers, we can only assume the worst and assume many Republican men have already fell victim and innocently have this app installed on their phones.
Next Steps
If you are a PR firm or a crying wife looking for more information on this phenomenon, please first remember not to panic. If this is on your husband’s phone, it does not mean the gays have got to him. At best, he simply made a typo while looking for another app or at worst was a victim of smishing, phishing or gishing.
If there is a gay man saying that something happened, just rise above it and vehemently deny it. Loudly. Say it was AI, the drinks lead to nothing and that it is what Generation Alpha calls a ‘Nothingburger’.
But do not underestimate the threat. The gays are building a secret new community and are preying upon fresh recruits, and as always, the strong Republican flesh is what satiates their never ending hunger for fresh meat.
Be well, friends.
- Dr Foote
