Friends. Patriots. Women of fertility and men who know how to mow their own lawns—
We are standing at the precipice of American collapse. And it is not being caused by TikTok, oat milk, or jazz-fusion worship music (though I still oppose all three). No, this crisis comes from an even darker corner:
Wombs. That. Won’t. Cooperate.
Recent reports confirm that the federal government is considering offering $5,000 per child to women who agree to do the one thing God, biology, and 90s sitcoms always expected of them: have a baby. That’s right. We’re talking about real, cash-back, loyalty-program-style procreation.
And what’s happening?
Women are saying no.
They’re “offended.” They’re “not incubators.” They “have dreams.”
Some even said the word “boundaries” while wearing pantsuits.
An American Tale of Female Destiny: In the infographic to the left we see Mary. Mary appreciated being treated like a full American and not free-loading. She agreed to open her womb to her government’s demands and now will be paid a beautiful $5000 a pop. Way to be a proud patriot Mary and make it worth our while to have you here. The Senator will assuredly arrange for the father of the children assure they are proper.
BUT TO THE LEFT HERE, we see Maria. Defiant. Sassy. Mumbling arguments in bilingual tongues (not Biblical ones either). A true AOC branded liberal leftist who has no respect for traditional values on which we rely. We see she is being sent to repent of her neo-suffragist ways in El Salvador. Lo siento, no $5000 for you, Maria. Adios. Women, the choice is simple. Be a Mary, not a Maria.
Let Me Be Clear.
If my great-grandmother Mary could raise seven children in a house made of asbestos and shame with nothing but a wooden spoon and the Holy Ghost—then surely a modern woman can accept five grand and a patriotic wink for doing her God-given duty.
But no.
Now it’s “objectification.”
It’s “reproductive coercion.”
It’s “stop quoting Leviticus, William, we’re at brunch.”
My Proposal Is Simple:
If a Strong-Wombed American Woman (S.W.A.W.) refuses to accept $5,000 for her country’s demographic preservation, she should be given two choices:
- A mandatory screening of “Father Knows Best” followed by a stern lecture from a retired high school gym teacher named Glenn.
- Deportation to El Salvador, where I assume all women are still brave, barefoot, and baking things from scratch while humming national anthems.
This is not a punishment. It is a reassignment of values. A relocation to somewhere they might appreciate the miracle of taxable births.
And Don’t Tell Me It’s About Autonomy.
I own a Volvo. That’s autonomy.
I once waited 11 hours at the DMV just to update my emergency contact info—that’s autonomy.
This is about legacy. This is about economics. This is about refilling our nation’s future school bake sales with the next generation of debt-carrying consumers.
Closing Thoughts (Because No One Else is Brave Enough to Say It):
Five thousand dollars used to mean something. It was enough to buy a riding mower, six months of dignity, and a respectably awkward first date. Now it’s being rejected in favor of podcasts and “not ruining my body for your budget plan, Dr. Foote.”
I say: if you can’t take the bonus, then take the bus – south. If you send me your number, I can ever call up some of my friends from ICE to give you a free air plane ride there.
There’s no room for freeloaders in this family-friendly dystopia I call America.
With firm handshake and moderate blood pressure,
Author of “Cradle to Grave: Why Women Shouldn’t Skip Either”
Senior Advisor to the Mississippi Committee on National Fertility Incentive Compliance
Friends, I hope you enjoyed what I have shared in this wonderful article. Please, come share another helping of my journalism in the articles below. Be well!
- Ask Not What Your Womb Can Do For You, But Ask What Your Womb Can Do For Your Country
TweetAn all-American mom and her ideal American children. Under new Republican plans, this woman would lease her womb to the goodwill of her nation and keep creating these cherubs. The father, standing proud, would get $50,000 to spend on whatever his family may need (new munitions for the home front, food for the woman to… Read more: Ask Not What Your Womb Can Do For You, But Ask What Your Womb Can Do For Your Country - The Perils of Pokémon Pandering: How Pocket Demons Are Grooming a Generation of Tiger Kings
TweetThere was a time, not long ago, when American boys dreamed of becoming astronauts, firefighters, or morally upright accountants. Today? They aspire to become wandering exotic animal hoarders with emotionally unstable hairstyles and gym badges. The culprit? A Japanese brainwashing tool called Pokémon—or as I like to call it, “Satan’s Safari.” Let’s be clear: Pokémon… Read more: The Perils of Pokémon Pandering: How Pocket Demons Are Grooming a Generation of Tiger Kings - If Strong-Wombed American Women Refuse the $5000 Baby Bonus, Should They Be Deported to El Salvador?
TweetFriends. Patriots. Women of fertility and men who know how to mow their own lawns—We are standing at the precipice of American collapse. And it is not being caused by TikTok, oat milk, or jazz-fusion worship music (though I still oppose all three). No, this crisis comes from an even darker corner: Wombs. That. Won’t.… Read more: If Strong-Wombed American Women Refuse the $5000 Baby Bonus, Should They Be Deported to El Salvador?
