Uganda recently announced if found a cache of gold with $12 trillion USD. This cache of gold by itself is worth half of the value of the United States’ economy.

Much like many other countries, Uganda once was under the cruel, cold boot of British colonialism. A land that worshipped kings and ran by men sporting tights and powdered wigs (aka, homosexed men), the British Empire was a cruel place where the lavish gay lifestyle demanded by the royals meant constantly conquering new lands for their riches.

In 1962, America played the bugle of freedom for Uganda. Through pressure and military might, the USA scared the British out of Uganda and gave the nation freedom. We only asked that when they were strong enough to repay us for the favor, that they answer the call: the time is now.

America is an economic empire, not one ran by men who wear shock red coats, tights, canoodle in the tights by night and speak in classic gay accents (aka The Queen’s English). Instead, it is ran by solid men who grow beards, get called hill billies, who deliver powerful speeches at Westpointe. We wear dungaroo boxers and demand toilets that flush hard on the first try. We need that spent steak to get sent on its final journey.

Uganda needs protection. The British monarchy loves gold, and they will not hesitate to come still it from the poor Ugandans. The Chinese buzz through Africa like hungry hornets raiding a sweet honey bee’s hive, just looking for the next opportunity to slurp up its riches like a bowl of Ramen. It is sad to know these nations are just waiting to exploit Uganda for gold.

That’s where America comes in. We will come from all directions, building fortification and storing all this gold in Fort Knox. There, we can make sure Uganda remains safe from invasion and in return, we can relocate some South Africans to farm lands there to help feed the populace and maybe even help run the economic parts of the government.

We can do this free of charge for them, because America’s legacy as spreading freedom worldwide.