Columbus , OHIO – It was supposed to be a beautiful spring morning: tulips blooming, birds chirping, and kids sugar-charged enough to bench press a Golden Retriever. Instead, a crowd of disgruntled toddlers, flustered suburban moms, and at least one confused doomsday prepper stormed the town commons this morning after news broke that the annual Easter Egg Hunt had been cancelled.
Tear-soaked faces filled rolling green fields this weekend as town locals found the Easter Bunny cancelled Easter. While there are scattered reports that the holiday bunny was able to make limited children happy in some small towns, the Easter Bunny cited many local markets were spooked by looming tariffs and the per-capita price of Easter Egg supplies was simply too high to fill every bag this year
“Well, the actual chicken eggs are out of my budget. $6.98 is outside already expensive for a dozen, especially on a rabbit’s salary It’s hard to find work right now, the economy is tough and the government is cutting jobs.”
Mobs of angry children were seen crying and looking down inside their empty baskets. The Easter Bunny reports this added more stress to him this holiday season.
“Look, this was an important Easter. I’ve been trading in Peeps and goodwill for years. But thanks to these tariffs and what I’m calling the Big Shell Shock, I can’t even buy plastic eggs anymore. The Dollar Store Tree is actually increasing some prices to $1.50. That is more than a dollar. And don’t get me started on the edible ones. The price of a dozen is now equal to one Taylor Swift presale ticket. With the way things are going, it’s rumored that if Santa enters American airspace this winter, he is going to get sent to El Salvador by ICE. So don’t expect any gifts under the trees. And surprise. 98% of the things he puts under the trees rely on global supply chain.”
The Easter Bunny reports he may return to a simpler times, digging wholes in yards and playing ‘is it a hawk or an overly aggressive crow that at some point decided crows also predate rabbits. Crow Gigantism Autism,” a phrase he coined while clearly under duress and possibly after watching The Birds on loop for 72 hours.
“These crows, these avian tanks, are defying nature. They are trying to transition to being birds of prey and it is not right. They’ve stopped going for seeds. They’re targeting rabbits now. Whole colonies of us are holed up underground like it’s a rodent version of A Quiet Place. They don’t caw anymore. They… stare.”
Easter Bunny cited he plans to write RFK to see if any of the proposed $1 trillion research into the autism epidemic could be diverted to research how crows are possibly hopping up on marijuana-laced fentanyl to alter their genome.
